Shervin Hojat, Ph.D.

With holidays, there is always a question: what are you planning to do the next two weeks?

Last week, a friend asked me that question.

I did not have a fixed plan. I could work or take some time off, take it easy, watch movies and listen to podcasts.

Later, I pondered, would I do anything differently if I had two weeks left on this planet?

The answer was ‘yes’! 

I wanted to appreciate all the people (alive or dead) who have left a lasting impression on me.  This included family members, teachers and friends who I have not talked with regularly.

I wanted to let them know that their smiles, laughter, kindness and care had made a difference to me. What made them special to me was their presence of heart, while they were going through their own big challenges.

I also wanted to drop my anger and disappointment toward the few people who I was not excited to be around. Mentally, I know they are here to help me grow. Emotionally, there is something still unresolved.

I made a list of people who have enhanced my life experience. I realized how blessed my life has been.

Each time that I updated the list, I felt a sense of deep gratitude and richness in my life.

For the next two weeks, I have a plan to execute that is deeply meaningful to me.

Would you do anything different in the next two weeks, if any, if you had two weeks left on this planet?

Happy Holiday!

Copyright @2020 by Shervin Hojat

All of our joys and hurts are due to our relationships!

Why would anyone want to be in a hurtful relationship? It does not logically make sense.

Take an inventory of your hurtful relationships in the past (or at the present).

What were the common themes?

• Were you able to express yourself freely?
• Did you feel safe to be yourself?
• Did you feel that you were respected and valued?
• Did your vibration diminish with such interactions?

Why do we stay in such a relationship?

Fear of not surviving (economically, emotionally or physically), hunger for positive validation and familiarity are major factors that cause us to stay in toxic relationships.

Think about an abusive work situation. Think about a friend or spouse who talks down to you.

Do you have peace of mind and high vibration in such a situation? What is the reason for staying in such a relationship?

This situation is not exclusive to our friends or work.

There are deeper relationships that take away our joy and peace and we do not question them.

These deeper relationships are like old friends that we have known and have trusted for decades!

Take a look at your  relationship with beliefs that “you are a failure”, “you are not lovable”, “you are not good” or “you are this or that”.

These beliefs are like toxic friends who may call you any time of day and night and repeat their mantra.

After listening to them, you most likely will feel miserable, sad and angry.

You have accepted abuse of such old “friends” for decades. Why?

The other abusive relationships are with our additions.  Addiction becomes our companions who comfort us  at first and dim our lights gradually.

Some of such friends (addictions) who we believe we cannot live without are: food, drugs, hatred, need to control, self-pity, seeking approval, self-importance, drama, jealousy, gossip and blame.

We know their friendship is not good for us (for sure for others) but we allow them to sabotage our spiritual growth.

At the root of our abusive relationship is our relationship with our “ego”.

This is another old friend who can be very mean and we listen to its mis-guided advice constantly.

This friend was supposed to give us information without judgement. Now it expresses its opinions and demands to be in charge.

How does this ego friend ego talk and treat you?

If we are seeking peace of mind and joy, we need to examine ALL of our relationships that we cannot live without.

We then need to explore the space within our heart, free of the need for limiting/toxic relationships, to experience the truth of who we are.

Spiritual growth is a journey that requires being gentle with oneself and no self-judgement.

During your journey, be aware of friendly voices who will try to sabotage your progress.

Copyright @2020 by Shervin Hojat

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Let go and become peaceful.

Letting go of certain events and behaviors are easy, but some are not.

We can easily let go of the behavior of a stranger than a friend or a family member.

Why? Because we have invested more time in such relationships. As a result, we have more expectations.

We may verbally express that we want to let go of disappointment and hurt, but such feelings do not leave us alone. Sometimes we even forget how to let go.

I had such an experience a few days ago. I felt angry, hurt and disappointed for several days.

I could not mediate and focus. When I woke in the middle of night, my mind reminded me of the hurt and disappointment. It was difficult to go back to sleep.

I was frustrated, exhausted and upset with myself. Why cannot I let this go?

Day later, at 5 AM, while I was struggling with my thoughts, something in me said, forgive!

The light came on for me!

What do I have to lose?  Can I be more miserable than now?

As soon as I decided to forgive, my relentless thoughts stopped. Emotional storms within me subsided dramatically and I felt calm. 

I had no need to tell other people that I have forgiven them. It was not about them. It was about me and my energy. 

By allowing myself to forgive others, I have allowed to forgive myself!  

I no longer had to carry the burden of hurt with me and relive it. I also no longer had a need to blame others or myself for the hurt.

Later, I felt light and I felt empathy for others who I felt who have hurt me.

I realized that others may hurt me without knowing or awareness. I also know I have hurt others as well.

I realized others may not forgive me right away. It is not under my control. But I could forgive myself and the situation. 

Think of all those nagging thoughts you may have in meditations, during the day or when you wake up in the middle of night. Will forgiveness of yourself and others release those gooey thoughts and associated suffering?

I have experienced that when we energetically forgive, others also forgive us much easier. It is an amazing dynamic.

Forgiveness is a bitter medicine that we may not want to take at first. It may take time. However, it is the right medicine for our soul, mind and body. It is one of the best ways of expressing care and self-love.

The beautiful truth is that our freedom from the past hurts ultimately does not depend on anything outside of us. We are in charge of our freedom and peace through forgiveness.

Some quotes regarding forgiveness:

• Grace comes to forgive and then forgive again. ~Rumi
• Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.  ~Buda
• To be wronged is nothing unless you continue to remember it. ~Confucius
• It is in pardoning that we are pardoned. ~Francis of Assisi

Copyright @2020 by Shervin Hojat 

Have you wondered why people do things that are not in their best interest?

They may even agree that their behavior is not healthy and still do it!

It is like something else drives them.

What if this driving force is the need for “survival”?

If you are lost in a jungle and you feel that you are in danger (real or imaginary), a sense of survival kicks in. You will behave differently and will feel very tense.

Need for survival (avoiding death) may not be just physical. It may be emotional as well. Both of them feel similar.

Some triggers for survival may be previous traumas or ancestral memories in our DNA.

Let us assume that we deeply want to be valued because the feeling of not being valued/worthy scares us enough that we believe our survival is at risk.

We may believe that the best way to be valued is to make lots of money or become famous (at the expense of our health and relationships).

We also agree moderation in work is healthy, but rarely do it in action.  We may even get upset at our own behavior for not doing the right thing.

It is very frustrating and demoralizing. Why is there a discrepancy between our actions and words?   

We are in survival mode!!!

It does not matter if we agree working for long hours is not good for us.

By trying to reduce work hours (vacation or a different job), we may temporarily eliminate the symptom.  

We need to deal with the root cause and not just the symptoms to eliminate the situation.

Taking Tylenol for an infected tooth is a temporary remedy of symptom. The root cause fix still needs to be addressed.

In my opinion, depression, rage, hate, co-dependent behaviors, taking and many forms of addictions are all symptoms. They need to be corrected and root cause needs to be addressed as well.

Why? Because we are still in survival mode, and fear is driving our actions/inactions.

How do we know we are in survival mode?

Being constantly restless (busy) or feeling numb and not enjoying our lives can be the clues.

Before we judge others’ undesirable behaviors or our own, we need to understand most of the undesirable behaviors are symptoms.

This does not justify the behavior, but provides understanding toward its root cause.

If you are frustrated with some of your behaviors, be understanding and kind to yourself.  Often, your survival skills also become your strength.

You are doing your best based on your current beliefs! What triggers a sense of survival in you is real at this moment.

The most effective way to eliminate the symptoms is to understand the root cause (belief/trauma).  The timing for everyone is different. When we are ready we can address it.

If helping others too much is your concerning symptom. Do not spend all your energy on avoiding helping others. It will sap your joy and energy.

Focus most of your energy on understanding yourself and changing the belief(s) that cause that symptom while managing the symptom.

Maybe you need to question/change your belief on what makes you valuable (root cause) and then can help others by choice.

Copyright @2020 by Shervin Hojat

For some of us, this topic may be an abstract subject or be considered a selfish discussion.

Let us consider a loving relationship among two people.

What are some outcomes of such a relationship?

• They bring the best in each other
• They attempt to reduce pain and stress in each other
• They listen to each other
• They enjoy being together
• They forgive each other
• They show love in action
• They do not blame each other
• They respect each other

Now if you love yourself, shouldn’t the above outcomes be present for you as well?

• Do you bring the best in you?
o How often are you angry or worried during the day?
o How often do you feel joy and smile?

• Do you attempt to reduce pain and stress in you?
o Do you take time to meditate or relax?
o Do you take care of your needs?
o Do you eat the food that nurtures you?
o Do you draw a boundary on how much people and outside events may trigger you?

• Do you listen to and acknowledge your needs and feelings?

• Do you enjoy being by yourself?
o Are you busy all the time?
o Is sitting silent with yourself a torture?

• Do you forgive yourself and others?
o Remember if you stay angry, the first person that feels the anger is you

• Do you show your love by action?
o Do you buy yourself a gift with joy or you only do it for other people?
o Do you try to reduce pain in others while yourself is in pain?
o Do you ridicule or diminish what you feel?

• Do you blame everything on others?
o Blame only takes your power away and puts you at mercy of the behavior of others.

• Do you respect yourself?

When we love ourselves, we can love others freely and with ease.

Copyright @2020 by Shervin Hojat

For a minute, imagine that you are a small Sun.

What are your roles and responsibilities?

Will you stop shining if you are surrounded by dark clouds?

Will you please others at the expense of deviating from your essence?

Will you be anyone other than yourself?

Imagine what the Sun in our solar system goes through.

Some people get skin cancer due to over exposure to its rays.

Some people enjoy its beauty.

Animals and plants rely on its energy to live.

Some people hide from its heat and may get sick or die from its intensity.

At some locations, some people want the Sun to be cooler or hotter.

Does Sun feel guilt and shame due its undesirable impact on others?

Does Sun feel proud and arrogant due to all its life giving?

Will Sun’s behavior change if everyone one the planet disapproves of its presence?

Remember the essence of who you are.

You are light.

You are love.

Do not dim your light to fit in or be accepted.

Be true to yourself, no matter what happens around you.

Copyright @2020 by Shervin Hojat