Shervin Hojat, Ph.D.

Most people want all the nice things such as good relationship, happiness, spirituality, fit body, great finances but are not committed to deal with challenges and associated sacrifice to get what they want. For most part we have to earn what we desire and nothing valuable is free.

For example, most people want to be fit. If everyone wants to be fit why not everyone is not fit?

There are two issues involved here:

1-      What we say we want as a top priority, is not really one of our true wants. The ‘why’ to what we desire does not really excite us and most likely is like a chore to us.

2-      We are not committed to pain of sacrifice and discipline required to get what we desire.

Yes I am talking about pain and sacrifice. Pain of getting up and going to gym while you want to sleep longer. Pain of doing ten more push-ups when you are tired. Pain of saying no to extra piece of beautiful looking cookie which is also free. Pain of challenging your self-talk constantly that is encouraging you to take the easy way out.

That is why important we know the ‘why’ we are doing something and if that something is what we really want. Because when the associated challenge/pain for what we want kicks in, your ‘why’ has to be much bigger than the pain associated with challenge for us to be successful.

Look at things you have planned for your life or striving for every day. Why you want those? Are there strong enough ‘why’ for those? If not, change to what you really want or find a stronger ‘why’.

Be aware that you be challenged by pain on path to what you desire and your strong and deeply felt ‘why’ keeps you on the course to fulfilling your dreams.

“I have to do it”, “Everyone else does same thing”, “I have to prove that I am worthy”, “This does not make me feel stressed”, “I do not know”, are not strong ‘why’ to withstand distractions and serious challenges to our dreams and wants.

Copyright @ 2016 by Shervin Hojat

If you are feeling helpless or unhappy you may consider some of the reasons below that can easily sap your joy, excitement and peace from your life.

1- Codependency: Our happiness is solely based on happiness of spouse or family members or a friend. We lose sense of who we are and what we want, and our day-to-day happiness is at mercy their life situation and their mood.

2- Forcing Change: We want others to change. We do not like someone or a behavior and yet we talk about the situation non-stop even when the situation is removed. We forget that reaction to the event or a person is under our control. We may not be able to force changes on others, yet we can control how we internalize a situation.

3- Regrets without any positive action: We may regret that we did not spend quality time with our loved ones who have passed away. We are so zealously focused on that regret that we miss opportunities to spend any quality time with our loved ones who are still alive. Regret without a corrective action just saps our happiness and denies opportunities for joy.

4- Self-neglect: We neglect our emotional, physical and mental wellness for noble causes such as caring and sacrificing for others. This re-enforces the belief that our needs do not matter, and we are worthless if we are not needed. The truth is when we are not balanced we rarely can be effective in helping anyone else.

5- Blame: We excessively blame others for what is happening in our lives. When we blame others then we give the power to them and we resign from any responsibility of changing our lives for better.

6- Talk without action: We talk about our problems daily and often and do not take any small steps to improve the situation. We keep listing all the reasons why something cannot be done without discussing any solution.

7- Lack of Gratitude:   We do not celebrate our blessings, and take them for granted, yet we mourn their loss deeply when they are gone.

Copyright @ 2016 by Shervin Hojat

What do you value the most in your life?

Do you spend your time wisely on experiencing and attaining those values?

Sometimes we are so busy with tasks that we do not stop and question if what we are doing is the best way to achieve what we value.

For example, let us consider work. What is about work that you truly value? Is it skills, security, money, recognition, feeling useful, joy and/or creativity?

What do you most value about family? Is it closeness, love, safety, support, children and/or tradition?

What do you value the most about relationship, vacation and retirement? Make a list of those values.

Choose top 3 items from the list that you value the most. Let us assume they are: security, joy, and love.

Then ask yourself

What can I do to feel more secure?
What can I do to feel more joy?
What can I do to feel more love?

You may be surprised what answer you may get by asking those questions.

You may realize it is not about working harder at work or making more money. It may be about questioning and changing your own attitude and beliefs that will help you feel more joyful, secure and loved.

Copyright @ 2016 by Shervin Hojat