It Was Not Your Fault!

I was being coached in a class about boundaries.

I was reflecting that since childhood I did not like conflicts and I tried to avoid them when possible. I also reflected that I was very sensitive to my surrounding and I tried to take care of people’s need ahead of time.

I also reflected that my parents had conflicts all along and I always tried to create peace among them.

The teacher said two sentences that shocked me unexpectedly.  

She said, “It was not your fault that your parents had conflicts. You were not responsible for their happiness!”

Imagine that your parents argue and you hear your name in the discussions. What would a small child conclude?   “It is my fault and I am responsible to fix it”

Although mentally I could accept the teacher’s sentences. I realized that I emotionally believed otherwise until that time!

That day, I felt relief and sadness within me. A voice kept telling me: “It was not my fault!”. “I am not responsible to make people happy!”

I felt lost and sad like the time when I lost my job. At that time I kept asking myself, “who am I without a job?” This time I asked myself “who am I without being responsible for happiness of others?”

I can imagine as children we may have accepted certain beliefs about our surroundings or may have taken on responsibility for being physically, sexually or mentally abused by others. Some of us may blame ourselves by saying only if we had tried harder or something similar. This is a very heavy burden to carry for a small child.

Take a moment, and think about what you may have accepted as your responsibility as a small child and still carry it out as an adult without realizing it up till now.

Let this sentence sink in within you.

It was not your fault!

Copyright @2019 by Shervin Hojat

About Shervin

Author, Teacher, Poet, Engineer
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